My Dog Died

My dog died.

Not just a good dog — the best dog.

It’s such a simple statement. 3 short words that convey everything you need to know on a superficial level.

The thing is that there are a billion words hidden in between those three. They’re invisible, so you may not know they’re there, but I can see and feel every single one of them.

What I am really saying when I tell you that my dog died is practically beyond articulation. I am saying:

I lost my best friend. Not in the cliche, “man’s best friend” sense; that’s far too tame. Her love for me was primal — raw, even. She loved me even though she knew that my human love for her could never be quite as perfect as the weighted blanket of unconditional acceptance that she gave to me.

The warm, furry bundle that has slept with her body connected to mine for the last 15.5 years is gone.

For five thousand six hundred and fifty seven nights, she would climb into bed and rest her head on the back of my thigh or my ankle. Instantly, I’d feel my body relax and my anxiety fade. She was my drug, and I was addicted.

The grief I feel right now is not the grief of a person whose dog died — it is the grief of a person who has lost a limb. I see that my dog is gone the same way an amputee can see that they’ve lost their arm, but it doesn’t stop either of us from feeling the phantom presence of what we know is lost forever.

To understand this sort of grief, you have to have truly loved and been loved by a dog. Too many people see dogs as property, when in fact it is those of us who love dogs who are the property. I did not own her; she owned me. Humans like to think that we are the North Star on a dog’s journey through life, but those of us who have been chosen by a dog know that truth is just the opposite.

Ask me about my dog and I’ll tell you that she taught me more about being human in her 15.5 years than I’ve learned from other humans in my 40 years.

1. Love is love. Don’t question it, just do it.
2. Treats are life.
3. A bad mood can be soothed by a walk.
4. Naps are good. The more, the better.
5. If you’re happy to see someone, show it.
6. Literally everyone poops. Just don’t step in it and we’re all good.
7. People who love dogs are the right kind of people.
8. Bathe regularly if you don’t want to be kicked out of the bed.
9. If someone needs to talk, all you have to do is listen.
10. Actions truly speak louder than words.

There will be more dogs, but there will never be another Twix.